How To Gain Weight and Keep it On

Not everyone wants to be lean and lithe dressed in long skinny pencil skirts and shapely tops.  Not everybody wants the stares and admiration of an adoring public – to be drop-dead gorgeous.  Some of us want to be “pleasant” with the comfort and invisibility of moo-moos and bulky blouses.  Besides, a little extra weight smoothes out the spaces between the wrinkles.

The following ten tips should help you counter the thin culture, gain that extra twenty, and keep it on.

  1. Never work out with weights or even carry heavy packages.  There is the danger of increasing muscle mass which raises your resting metabolic rate, and then you might burn extra calories while watching TV or reading a book, which could not only cause tremendous guilt but could cause you to lose a few pounds.
  2. Walk your socks off.  Walk, walk, walk.  You will have a healthier heart, but you’ll not lose a pound.  The only thing thinner will be the soles of your shoes.
  3. Invest your retirement in liquid diet drinks.  Not only will you not lose weight, but if you supplement with a few Snickers bars here and there, you’ll gain substantially.
  4. Join a gym.  We all know that muscle weighs more than fat, and also just looking at all those hard bodies in leotards is good to tip the scales a couple of pounds.
  5. Speaking of scales, weighing yourself everyday is a guarantee you’ll not lose a gram, and you’ll have the satisfaction of watching that little black arrow creep higher and higher.  Perseverance pays.
  6. Have babies—lots of them.  Make sure to watch what you eat and exercise faithfully; that way you’re guaranteed not only to finish your pregnancy with an admirable weight gain, but you’ll also have that lovely bulge of elasticized skin to droop over your belt, should you ever be brave enough to wear one again.
  7. Have a mid-life crisis with plenty of whining about the mess you’ve made of things.  A good healthy dose of depression coupled with an extra large bag of chips and soda should not only be good for an appreciable weight gain, but the aluminum in the soda can might just promote enough memory loss so you don’t care.
  8.  Recycle all your low-fat cookbooks.  You’ll help the environment and recover the taste of real food.
  9. Buy an expensive outfit for that special occasion coming up; and it’s a sure bet that by the time you need to wear it, you’ll have gained enough so it doesn’t fit.
  10. Heap bitter insults on your skinny friend who by changing from regular soda to diet soda lost fifteen pounds.  It won’t necessarily help you in your quest, but it will feel really really good.

If all else fails, age gracefully.  You’re guaranteed to pack on at least ten pounds a decade, so just be patient.  I know I’m really looking forward to that one—the culmination of all my dreams.

About apronheadlilly

wife and mother, musician, composer / poet, teacher, and observer of the world, flawed Christ-follower
This entry was posted in Fiction, Food, Humor, Thoughts, Writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to How To Gain Weight and Keep it On

  1. raburcke says:

    Dang, I lost out on the having babies part!

  2. Great Post hit it on all counts. Quitting smoking is a great way too to “dis” the thin culture. I quit about 60 lbs. ago, just by trading smoke for “air”….very effective. Thanks for REMINDING ME!!! :).

  3. Trying not to LOL at work!! LOVE this post! Keep up the good work (and eatin’)!

  4. Dorothy says:

    Great post! I love the one about buying something for a special occasion to be sure it won’t fit! Can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that…. or saved something for best but got too big for best. You are so clever!

  5. SL Schildan says:

    Hahahaha! Great post. 😀

    My daughter said her doctor told her to quit worrying about her weight. That ten pounds a decade is good. But when I stopped to figure out how much I would weigh at 90, I realized if I needed help I would not be looking for an aide, I’d be looking for a fork lift operator. 😉

  6. you’re like erma bombeck, ahaha.^^ weigh oneself everyday and buy an expensive outfit that you can’t wear – such precious pieces of pearly wisdom! i wish i would age as gracefully… cheerio!:)

  7. Lindy Lee says:

    #6, the real guarantee for gaining fat & holding onto it by way of metabolism upset beyond one’s wildest dreams…

  8. Judy says:

    What a scream! You had me laughing out loud! This is wonderful. I have to say I’m probably guilty on all counts! 😉 Maybe I’ll add one: “buy an exercise machine”. You’ll use if for about 3 months and then it becomes a great place to hang clothes to dry. 😉

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