Not everyone wants to be lean and lithe dressed in long skinny pencil skirts and shapely tops. Not everybody wants the stares and admiration of an adoring public – to be drop-dead gorgeous. Some of us want to be “pleasant” with the comfort and invisibility of moo-moos and bulky blouses. Besides, a little extra weight smoothes out the spaces between the wrinkles.
The following ten tips should help you counter the thin culture, gain that extra twenty, and keep it on.
- Never work out with weights or even carry heavy packages. There is the danger of increasing muscle mass which raises your resting metabolic rate, and then you might burn extra calories while watching TV or reading a book, which could not only cause tremendous guilt but could cause you to lose a few pounds.
- Walk your socks off. Walk, walk, walk. You will have a healthier heart, but you’ll not lose a pound. The only thing thinner will be the soles of your shoes.
- Invest your retirement in liquid diet drinks. Not only will you not lose weight, but if you supplement with a few Snickers bars here and there, you’ll gain substantially.
- Join a gym. We all know that muscle weighs more than fat, and also just looking at all those hard bodies in leotards is good to tip the scales a couple of pounds.
- Speaking of scales, weighing yourself everyday is a guarantee you’ll not lose a gram, and you’ll have the satisfaction of watching that little black arrow creep higher and higher. Perseverance pays.
- Have babies—lots of them. Make sure to watch what you eat and exercise faithfully; that way you’re guaranteed not only to finish your pregnancy with an admirable weight gain, but you’ll also have that lovely bulge of elasticized skin to droop over your belt, should you ever be brave enough to wear one again.
- Have a mid-life crisis with plenty of whining about the mess you’ve made of things. A good healthy dose of depression coupled with an extra large bag of chips and soda should not only be good for an appreciable weight gain, but the aluminum in the soda can might just promote enough memory loss so you don’t care.
- Recycle all your low-fat cookbooks. You’ll help the environment and recover the taste of real food.
- Buy an expensive outfit for that special occasion coming up; and it’s a sure bet that by the time you need to wear it, you’ll have gained enough so it doesn’t fit.
- Heap bitter insults on your skinny friend who by changing from regular soda to diet soda lost fifteen pounds. It won’t necessarily help you in your quest, but it will feel really really good.
If all else fails, age gracefully. You’re guaranteed to pack on at least ten pounds a decade, so just be patient. I know I’m really looking forward to that one—the culmination of all my dreams.