How to Spend More Than You Make

Being rich is highly overrated.  Not everyone wants to be a millionaire (Cue music!).  There are a lot of us who are quite content to barely get by and whine.  Wealth is too much responsibility; and personally, I chafe at the stifling confines of a budget.

Here are ten helpful hints to follow if you would like to join the two or three of us who would rather spend more money than we make.

  1. Always go grocery shopping when you are hungry, preferably with kids.  If your own kids are unavailable, or have perhaps grown up and left home, borrow the neighbor’s.
  2. Buy a treadmill (or any other high-ticket workout item) that you’ll never use.  It works well as a clothes tree; and eventually, if you’re lucky, you can sell it at a loss on Craig’s List.  If by any chance you get murdered by your Craig’s List contact, your spouse can sue the Internet and have even more funds to squander.
  3. Plan to give birth only to girls.  That should just about take care of the problem right there.
  4. Give birth to kids smart enough and disciplined enough to go to college, but have enough income just so you don’t qualify for aid.
  5. In the heat of summer, run the air conditioner cooler than your husband would like with your children’s windows wide open.
  6. Go to a pet store that has all those adorable little furry bunny things “just to look.”
  7. Never plan meals in advance, and always buy more perishable produce than you could possibly eat in one week.
  8. Buy bell peppers in packages of eight at the membership discount store.  The seven that spoil will add color to your compost pile.  Truly a waste!
  9. After your compost has rotted, make sure and spread it on the garden plot, but don’t bother to plant.  Besides being too much work, you’ll be in some weird way supporting corporate farmers who form the backbone of this country.  It will almost feel as good as government subsidizing.
  10. Never plan a vacation.  Be spontaneous.  Maui is nice this time of year—all on the card.

If you follow these carefully researched guidelines, you should have less than enough to be happy for the rest of your life.  But if at the end of the month the figures still don’t add up, put the kids in braces.

About apronheadlilly

wife and mother, musician, composer / poet, teacher, and observer of the world, flawed Christ-follower
This entry was posted in Family, Fiction, Humor, Thoughts, Writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to How to Spend More Than You Make

  1. You are funny, my dear! We do all of the above unless we are disciplined or have a spouse who is!

  2. If the braces don’t do the trick, a combination of guitar lessons and dance classes will fill in just fine! 🙂

  3. hello, apronheadlily,

    i must say you make too much sense, madam. i like the no. 2 on the list, my older sister did that, haha. the machine or device is just there, lying in a forgotten corner. i remember that she whined when she paid for it using her credit card, ahaha.

    i also like no. 8. yes, that has happened to me several times. no wonder am poor as a pauper. but dang, those shiny bell peppers look so handsome and tidy in those giant freezers at the supermarket, i always feel i must take home a huge pocket, haha. ^^

    thanks for the list, ms. lily. never thought that mindless spending could be systematized as you very wisely suggested. but really, thanks! 🙂 🙂

  4. I’m surprised that you forgot to mention all the “How to” books & courses a person can buy.
    For example:
    how to write, how to get motivated, how to keep motivated, grammatically correct writing
    how to write fiction, how to develop your story line, flesh out characters, develop conflict, etc.
    how to write creative nonfiction, how to freelance, how to find a good agent
    how to write stunning poetry, thesaurus, rhyming dictionary, literary journals
    how to edit what you write, how to sell what you write, Writer’s Market, etc.
    (Ask me how many of these I have in my office. 🙂 )

  5. susanpoozan says:

    What excellent advice, did you follow it to the letter?

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