Obviously, preventing the incident in the first place is optimum. But having done the stupid bike trick of falling into the gutter and fracturing a rib, the following are survival tips to make it through the six-week recovery process:
- Drugs. Legal, of course.
- Only breathe as much as is necessary for survival. When deep breathing is prescribed by the doctor for torture and to prevent pneumonia, grimace so everyone knows you are not faking injury. If required, produce copies of your x-rays for more sympathy.
- Learn to burp like a man. Good manners will hurt.
- Never lie down. Or if you are lying down, never get up. If you really need to change positions, moan and groan and puff so everybody in the house knows exactly what this trip to the bathroom is costing you.
- No coughing, sneezing or throat clearing. Drowning in your allergies is much preferred to the throbbing, excruciating, mind-numbing . . . well, you get the idea.
- Stand up straight and suck in your stomach or you will stay hunched that way forever. Or was that what Mom said about rolling my eyes? Sorry, I have a drug-induced “can’t remember.”
- Put off all chiropractor appointments for six months.
- Put off all mammogram appointments for six months—a year if you can talk your primary care provider into it!
- If husband insists on cracking jokes, give him his own cracked rib.
- Once you can move your arms, write about it. It is somewhat cathartic . . . somewhat.
Clarification: Hubby does tell jokes that hurt, but he redeems himself by bringing me meds, ice packs, warm woobies, praying for me, staying in Urgent Care 4 1/2 hours with me, and being very sypathetic! He’s a keeper!