Doodles in My Brain

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This is the doodle that was writing itself in my brain as I was waking up this morning.  No wonder I wake wanting to take a nap!

About apronheadlilly

wife and mother, musician, composer / poet, teacher, and observer of the world, flawed Christ-follower
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14 Responses to Doodles in My Brain

  1. SR says:

    Love it Lilly! Right on target! God Bless, SR

  2. reinkat says:

    You are so right!

  3. peacenikkie says:

    This is so true, Lilly. Thanks! I thought I was the ONLY one processing in this manner! ~0¦-]

  4. Elaine Suranie says:

    One must experience it to know that this is what it really is….reality is always more complex than our ideas of how it should be… Well done, Lilly.

  5. Touché! I think you have nailed it! Now, go take a nap!

  6. Cheryl Reynolds says:

    Oh my! You captured in your doodle what I have been experiencing in this long difficult year since I talked my dad into being transported to the ER due to a bad fall at his office January 16, 2017. This three day hospitalization of my dad Led to his seven week incarceration in a “rehab” facility which led to a 2nd fall and brain injury/brain surgery. 10 days in the ICU hoping for recovery, but watching him, instead, fade a bit each day til the doctors gave no more hope and recommended removal from his respirator. We held hands and watched him pass on March 8, 2017. No rest, though! Time for making his arrangements, and preparing for his private and public services on March 17 and April 8. Then, while helping mom through this terrible time I begin to see her start feeling very poorly (we thought it was grief!) By the end of April I was taking her to a gastroenterologist who put her on a pill for her abdominal pain, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and depression. Two weeks later, May 16, her intense pain and weakness made me talk her into the trip to the emergency room. In 24 hours we had her diagnosis: terminal pancreatic and liver cancer, and twelve awful days later, she was gone, and once again the strain of details and her service and interment-only now with multiplied grief and loss… then it becomes clear through reading their Trust that I am responsible for settling their personal and financial affairs, but mom and I had no conversations about this. So, the 9 to 10 months since her passing have been the most painfully intense months of my life. Aside from the tremendous grief and loss of just missing my parents, my health has taken a hit, as well. Because they lived 85 miles from me, taking care of them, and then their affairs after, meant so much travel and strain. I now have their final taxes filed and am closing in on the final estate filing and detail wrap ups. But it has meant so much time away from my own grown kids and grandkids… and now that some closure is coming, my local son and his wife with our twin grandkids have taken a great job, and relocated to Texas! I guess this adult season is just one of ongoing and increasing loss? But add to this the pressure to “be past that loss” because others forget and are not experiencing your loss or the accompanying searing pain, because “your parents were old and death was expected” and because “Christians should navigate this pain better than others” actually protracted the grief process because it is driven underground and swirls there, as in your very accurate doodle. I pray you are given the grace and emotional tools you need, as you need them, for as long as you need them, until your healing arrives. Hang in there!

    • Life is just plain hard. I feel like we have had one thing after another since 2008. And I do not have the ability to compartmentalize as some do. So I process with my pen. 🙂 I am so sorry you have taken so many hits. It is just plain hard! And people, who do mean well, are much more ready to move on before you are, and that can hurt, too. Being in ministry, the loss of our first baby girl and the accompanying grief lasted years and years because I was not allowed to grieve. Some of that was my own doing, but much of it was others’ expectation of how you are to handle loss. We just lost Kell’s mom a month ago–the last parent–and though you know she is done with suffering and in a better place, it is just another layer to work through. I pray you feel buoyed by the Spirit in spite of the brokenness that is this world.

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