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It should be seamless—this eternal life I am living now.

When this flesh is done, the Lilly that I am should gently walk into the Lilly I will be,

no halting,

no stumbling,

a brilliant transition to everlasting, but . . .

and there it is,

the big but.

It is hard to imagine when instead of cataloguing 1000 gifts I catalogue whines and unmet expectations.  My blow by blow diary of ills belies the peaceful image of Lilly pouring over her Bible with a fragrant cuppa, content with  life, overflowing wisdom to all in her waning years.  Ah, the whining years.

I thought by now the struggle with flesh would be long past—an ugly memory of what was.

But the “what was” is

an ever present spectre before me, and

I still stumble on as in the dark with the barest of lights,

marking one step. One step.

One step.

Seamless entry into Presence—I wish.

But if so, it will be a glorious surprise

involving miracles,

transformation, and

a dulling of the disappointment that I have not done as well as I could have—

that Spirit has been shrouded by these bloody tissues of self-fullness,

worldly concern, and



if not for You.


Romans 7

21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power[e]within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.

About apronheadlilly

wife and mother, musician, composer / poet, teacher, and observer of the world, flawed Christ-follower
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7 Responses to Seamless

  1. Widow Beach says:

    This is great, God bless you abundantly.

  2. jmgoyder says:

    Even though are situations are so different, I feel like I am on a very similar journey and I salute you!

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